i really hate being alone

i never thought i'd say it - but i really truly hate being alone.

i don't know if it's dan switching up his work schedule, or me feeling sick lately - but i am extremely lonely. haha - it's either that or i'm very hard to please.

yesterday for example all i could think of was a nice glass of wine. i didn't wanna open a bottle for myself because i didn't wanna seem like an alcoholic, so i waited for my parents to open one. they never did. oh the frustration.

on top of that - i feel as if everyone is busy doing their own thing and i'm just kinda there. oh well. i guess i'm having trouble adapting to all of this "me" time i've been having. everything seems like such a hassle. lol it's so contradicting too because the friends that do ask me to hang out - i end up turning them down because i don't have the energy to go out.

weird.

ok. well i'll keep you updated.

the lagos adventure

Tonight was fun. lol.
It's a long story but it pretty much goes like this -

My mom and I having dinner at Taps for her first time....my mom drinking beer at a restaurant for quite possibly the very first time...then my mom almost falling into the lake @ dos lagos...on our walk there for the very first time. lol.

on a rainy saturday

So after a very indulgent week, I finally went to the gym this morning and I am incredibly sore. I'm trying to focus more on strength training rather than cardio this time around. I figure switching it up a bit can't hurt, right? Yeah, because there's no way I'm gonna turn into some muscle girl anytime soon. I just want to look toned, that's all. Anyway - here's what happened last week -

1. It was New Year's! Whoop-dee-doo! Haha I actually ended up at home, drinking wine with my parents, and then downing a couple (maybe more than a couple I can't remember) xanaxes. So it was pretty uneventful. Why did I stay home? Well I didn't wanna drive anywhere. I don't want to die in a horrible car accident, thank you very much. I've already driven home drunk plenty of times and know just how dangerous it is. I barely trust myself driving, so why should I trust anyone else?
2. New Year's DAY - nothing much this day either. I did go to my uncle's house though and hung out with my cousin for a bit. We had mike's hard (light) cranberry lemonade. lol. If that's not a mouthful, I don't know what is. Anyway, I swear I could've drank the whole six pack and I still would've been ok to drive. Call me an alcoholic. Whatever, it was still fun to get a little bit of a buzz with my underage cousin.
3. Next Day - Work. Hung out with Lilli. Now that night was a lot of fun. We went to Ra's for some sushi and then to Tap's for some beer. And of course, we gossiped at both. Haha. There's something about alcohol and best friends that makes you share practically ANYTHING in a public setting. And when I say ANYTHING, I mean anything and everything! But I guess that's what you look for in a best friend isn't it? Someone who you can talk to without having to censor yourself?
4. Next Day - Work. Work. Work. Dan got all romantical and decided to make homemade pizza. Aww. :) It was actually pretty good. Expensive, but good. I think he spent around 30 dollars on all of the ingredients. Anyway, I also spent some good money that night - 17 dollars on a Pinot Noir. Can you believe it?! The only reason I bought it was because Dan asked for that particular brand (MacMurray). Apparently, however, he thought it was on sale and NOT 17 bucks. Either way - It was good and it went well with the pizza.
5. WORK. I also called CAST (Child Abuse Service Team) and temporarily "quit". Sigh. I feel awful, but I had to. Well, maybe I didn't "have" to, but here's the thing - Brandy's transferring to the Corona office starting next week (long story that I so do not want to get into) and leaving Keith and I high and dry to fend for ourselves. Therefore, I, technically, can't leave Keith by himself on Friday afternoons, which means that I can't volunteer at CAST until we find another receptionist. I know that if I really wanted to volunteer though, I'd find a way. But honestly? I really don't want to. And I know this sounds selfish and horrible, but I need the money. I'm up to my neck in debt so I really can't be giving away my time like it's nothing. Still, I can't help but feel awful for leaving them hanging. oh well.
6. Umm...more to come. :)

coming back

it's been a long long time.
honestly though - i haven't had the time to write. well - i have - but i guess i've just been lazy.
either way - my apologies.

so many things have been going on that it would take me all night to write it all.
so i'll just condense it into a few bullet points.

• i finished my fall quarter and did a lot better than any other quarter at UCI - which means that i will no longer be put on academic probation AND i'll be able to enroll in my internship class in the spring.
• dan's grandpa passed away.
• dan's living/monetary situation is now in jeapordy.
• of course - all of this is affecting our relationship in more ways than one. most of all - the "future" part of the relationship (i.e., marriage, kids, education - all that). it's tough because you want to voice your opinion, but at the same you have to restrain yourself because it's a tough time for him. but still - you have to ask yourself - is it ever a good time to talk about these kinds of issues? i really don't know. things are just really iffy. i love him and everything and even though he says he is taking me into consideration in regards to his future - something tells me that it will be full of surprises. he can't help but play super hero to his family...so i'm guessing this time will not be the last. i don't know. it's just weird.
• then don't get me started on his family - despite the whole me not getting along with the "cunada" (who will seemingly never leave) - i still feel like the outsider during family events. his mom is somewhat warm - but ionno - i get the feeling that she tolerates me, but not necessarily likes me. the rest of his family is ok i guess. i don't know - my alienation could be the distance, them, or me. bottom line is that - i feel alienated most of the time and can't WAIT to leave. and then of course if i show this, then i'm the asshole and he'll probably get mad at me for putting on a face.
• sigh. can't you see how complicated this is?!?!?!?!
• and on top of all of this - dan is in serious mourning right now - but it sorta comes and goes - and i just have to be there for him. so he's rightfully depressed, but its something that affects me too you know? i'm just tired tired tired. everything's exhausting.

feeling lonely

i don't know what i hate more right now. myself or the state that i'm in. once again, i've had to resort to xanax in order to get to bed and i am just now barely feeling it. today dan told me that maybe i've been feeling depressed because i might have PMDD. it's some sort pre menstrual disorder that's a little more hardcore than PMS. i read the symptoms and yes, in fact, i could have it. right now though, i could care less about myself. it's actually pretty sad. i guess this is what i get for drinking. not only do i make an ass out of myself, but then i have a couple of days of pure "SHIT" days to look forward where i feel like i'm hitting rock bottom. i don't even want to talk to my friends. i don't want them to know how shitty i feel, hence this blog, that maybe only marj will read. she's cool though. she knows what its like. well maybe not severe depression after binge drinking - but eh. ok well that and the huge headache that i've had for 2 days. i guess my parents being mad at me doesn't help either.

i am just a huge mess right now.

one hot hot mess.

my first outside blog.

i blog a lot. but never with this kind of freedom. hmm. i hope none of my friends find it. then the freedom will be all gone. so right now i really should be writing a paper on babies and their diseases and development and shit. but i really don't want to. i really could care less about it. i hate fucking college. maybe i just hate putting effort into things. well actually, that's not true. here are some of the things i do put effort into :

1. getting people to like me.
2. being social
3. being friendly

for some reason - that's become really important to me lately. being that "perfect" friend.

i wonder - is this really me? or is this some sort of phase i'm going through? could it be that i'm denial of my low self-esteem, that i need others' constant approval?

i don't know. i guess we'll see.