feeling lonely

i don't know what i hate more right now. myself or the state that i'm in. once again, i've had to resort to xanax in order to get to bed and i am just now barely feeling it. today dan told me that maybe i've been feeling depressed because i might have PMDD. it's some sort pre menstrual disorder that's a little more hardcore than PMS. i read the symptoms and yes, in fact, i could have it. right now though, i could care less about myself. it's actually pretty sad. i guess this is what i get for drinking. not only do i make an ass out of myself, but then i have a couple of days of pure "SHIT" days to look forward where i feel like i'm hitting rock bottom. i don't even want to talk to my friends. i don't want them to know how shitty i feel, hence this blog, that maybe only marj will read. she's cool though. she knows what its like. well maybe not severe depression after binge drinking - but eh. ok well that and the huge headache that i've had for 2 days. i guess my parents being mad at me doesn't help either.

i am just a huge mess right now.

one hot hot mess.

my first outside blog.

i blog a lot. but never with this kind of freedom. hmm. i hope none of my friends find it. then the freedom will be all gone. so right now i really should be writing a paper on babies and their diseases and development and shit. but i really don't want to. i really could care less about it. i hate fucking college. maybe i just hate putting effort into things. well actually, that's not true. here are some of the things i do put effort into :

1. getting people to like me.
2. being social
3. being friendly

for some reason - that's become really important to me lately. being that "perfect" friend.

i wonder - is this really me? or is this some sort of phase i'm going through? could it be that i'm denial of my low self-esteem, that i need others' constant approval?

i don't know. i guess we'll see.