coming back

it's been a long long time.
honestly though - i haven't had the time to write. well - i have - but i guess i've just been lazy.
either way - my apologies.

so many things have been going on that it would take me all night to write it all.
so i'll just condense it into a few bullet points.

• i finished my fall quarter and did a lot better than any other quarter at UCI - which means that i will no longer be put on academic probation AND i'll be able to enroll in my internship class in the spring.
• dan's grandpa passed away.
• dan's living/monetary situation is now in jeapordy.
• of course - all of this is affecting our relationship in more ways than one. most of all - the "future" part of the relationship (i.e., marriage, kids, education - all that). it's tough because you want to voice your opinion, but at the same you have to restrain yourself because it's a tough time for him. but still - you have to ask yourself - is it ever a good time to talk about these kinds of issues? i really don't know. things are just really iffy. i love him and everything and even though he says he is taking me into consideration in regards to his future - something tells me that it will be full of surprises. he can't help but play super hero to his family...so i'm guessing this time will not be the last. i don't know. it's just weird.
• then don't get me started on his family - despite the whole me not getting along with the "cunada" (who will seemingly never leave) - i still feel like the outsider during family events. his mom is somewhat warm - but ionno - i get the feeling that she tolerates me, but not necessarily likes me. the rest of his family is ok i guess. i don't know - my alienation could be the distance, them, or me. bottom line is that - i feel alienated most of the time and can't WAIT to leave. and then of course if i show this, then i'm the asshole and he'll probably get mad at me for putting on a face.
• sigh. can't you see how complicated this is?!?!?!?!
• and on top of all of this - dan is in serious mourning right now - but it sorta comes and goes - and i just have to be there for him. so he's rightfully depressed, but its something that affects me too you know? i'm just tired tired tired. everything's exhausting.

feeling lonely

i don't know what i hate more right now. myself or the state that i'm in. once again, i've had to resort to xanax in order to get to bed and i am just now barely feeling it. today dan told me that maybe i've been feeling depressed because i might have PMDD. it's some sort pre menstrual disorder that's a little more hardcore than PMS. i read the symptoms and yes, in fact, i could have it. right now though, i could care less about myself. it's actually pretty sad. i guess this is what i get for drinking. not only do i make an ass out of myself, but then i have a couple of days of pure "SHIT" days to look forward where i feel like i'm hitting rock bottom. i don't even want to talk to my friends. i don't want them to know how shitty i feel, hence this blog, that maybe only marj will read. she's cool though. she knows what its like. well maybe not severe depression after binge drinking - but eh. ok well that and the huge headache that i've had for 2 days. i guess my parents being mad at me doesn't help either.

i am just a huge mess right now.

one hot hot mess.

my first outside blog.

i blog a lot. but never with this kind of freedom. hmm. i hope none of my friends find it. then the freedom will be all gone. so right now i really should be writing a paper on babies and their diseases and development and shit. but i really don't want to. i really could care less about it. i hate fucking college. maybe i just hate putting effort into things. well actually, that's not true. here are some of the things i do put effort into :

1. getting people to like me.
2. being social
3. being friendly

for some reason - that's become really important to me lately. being that "perfect" friend.

i wonder - is this really me? or is this some sort of phase i'm going through? could it be that i'm denial of my low self-esteem, that i need others' constant approval?

i don't know. i guess we'll see.